The incident occurred at the corner of Rodeo Drive and Dayton Way and the damage to buildings and vehicles is expected to cost around $10million to repair.

Despite the location and enormous scale of destruction, no one of any importance was injured. Shia LeBeouf, who was a passenger in the car, was unable to escape the burning wreckage and soon died, but this only drew thunderous applause. Bay later admitted to police that LeBeouf “was along for the ride”, though the police department didn’t know who he was talking about and declared there would be no investigation.

All witnesses at the scene were reportedly dazzled by the explosions, but were ultimately confused by what they saw.

“I saw his Porsche swerving all over the road – he clearly had no sense of direction,” one man said. “It crashed, flipped, and exploded, and he got out with a suitcase full of money. How does that even happen?”
Other people had more scathing reactions.

“What a shit driver,” one lady told Real Slow News Day. “My blind grandmother could’ve done better, and did he have to endanger John Turturro like that?”

Turturro, a popular actor of more than sixty films, had been innocently walking down Rodeo when Bay’s out-of-control vehicle knocked him off his feet. His body and reputation remain intact.

Despite vocal public outcry in all forms of consumable news media (and a resounding “two thumbs down” from the California Department of Motor Vehicles), Bay said in a press statement that he refuses to give up driving, and will be seen behind the wheel of a new vehicle next week.

Sources close to the pair, whose relationship began in the summer of 1969 but ended suddenly in 1972, claim NASA still harbours intense feelings for The Moon, and wants desperately to rekindle the relationship.

“It might have seemed like NASA moved on,“ a confidante told Real Slow News Day. “But really, The Moon was never far from NASA’s mind. You never forget your first, do you?”

Despite heavily-publicised photographs showing NASA and close friend, Mars, in close contact, it is believed NASA has quietly pledged a long-term commitment to The Moon, and, amid celebrations of their would-be 40th anniversary, apologised for recording over the video of their first meeting.

Neither side was willing to fuel speculation by commenting, although supporters in both camps are highly sceptical of the possible reunion.

“NASA’s eyes had a tendency to wander, you know?” a friend of The Moon said. “I mean, yeah, they were together, but there were ulterior motives. Don’t tell me you haven’t seen the way NASA is always looking beyond The Moon, always seeking a new conquest.”

Meanwhile, an unnamed friend of NASA has secretly expressed some concern about The Moon’s intentions, citing recent showy behaviour, and the huge level of interest shown by other foreign suitors, all of whom are reportedly smitten with the heavenly body.

“We know it, The Moon knows it – Russia, China, India – they all want to get inside her atmosphere. And let’s face it, honey, that’s not exactly difficult is it?”

Meow!

Three Japanese tourists claimed they were quietly “twittering” when the building was effectively torn apart by the 59m (195 ft) Steve Irwin, before Watson is said to have emerged on the upper deck, hurling paint and stink-bombs at everyone present.

It is now understood that he mistook the infamous ‘failwhale’, a character of social networking site, Twitter, for the real thing, and in a matter of seconds is believed to have caused hundreds of thousands of dollars in damage to the store, not including the millions of dollars in destroyed pavement leading from Station Pier.

Despite carving a path of destruction through much of inner-city Melbourne, miraculously, no one was seriously injured or killed.

Police officers on the scene were reportedly hesitant to make an arrest, largely owing to concerns for their own safety. “We’re not fucking immortal,” said one Sergeant who spoke anonymously. “If you wanna arrest this bastard, take my cuffs,” he whispered. “He’ll probably break through them – have you seen his forearms?”

After explaining to the burly sailor that the failwhale is merely a comical representation of a busy server, and is not hauled away by magical birds as is depicted on the website, and that the Japanese involved were merely tourists, Watson apologised.

“Sorry guys, my bad,” Watson said to all present, before somehow three-point-turning the boat around, and driving it back to the sea.

Speaking from his personal satellite phone, Charles, a 55-year-old Sydney resident, said he and his fellow Queen Elizabeth II shipmates had experienced severe psychological trauma after their million dollar share portfolios were “cut in half” by ruthless market activity. Others had suffered from the drought, with the Australian sun claiming their farmland, prize-winning livestock, and in some cases, urban patio gardens.

“It’s been a nightmare, really, just awful,” Charles, a former investment fund manager, told Real Slow News Day. “I saw my beloved Macquarie stock took a beating, and I just couldn’t stand it. It broke my spirit.” The only option, according to the Sydneysider, was to “seek refuge in Africa, where I hope what’s left of our money still has value.”

Another weary traveller, Richard, of Melbourne’s beachside suburb, Brighton, shared his horror stories and the dread of living day-to-day. “My wife and I were afraid to even walk out the front door,” he said. “Melbourne’s weather is so unpredictable, we just couldn’t know whether it would be sunny or rainy or whatever – a day trip to the Yarra Valley became a game of Russian Roulette. We might find some relief in Zanzibar.”

Australian authorities have alerted African countries of the boat’s impending arrival, and the reaction so far has been positive.
“We welcome all westerners seeking refuge in our country,” Mauritian Prime Minister, Navin Ramgoolam, said today. “I understand the occupants have experienced many hardships and injustices in their country, and we are only too happy to provide them with shelter, food, and as much fine wine as they can handle.”

“My only hope,” Ramgoolam added, “is that Australians can return the favour.”

The ice cream budget blowout is just the latest in a series of financial disasters for Brumby Labor. Having somehow survived the waves of criticism following the Southern Cross station redevelopment, the Fast Rail project, and the myki-card debacle – all of which ran over budget and over time – the Premier again found himself in hot water, this time with his partner Rosemary.

Speaking from the front step of his Toorak home, Brumby admitted that the cost of the ice cream had run unexpectedly over budget, but added that he was not to blame.

“Buying ice-cream is not a rudimentary exercise, as some would have my family believe,” he argued. “My son and I were given a sizeable task, and, given the multitudes of variables involved – brand, flavor, size – I feel we have performed extremely well in the circumstances.”

Mrs Brumby, speaking loudly through the locked front door, replied “That doesn’t explain why you’re so late, John. That was dessert for Monday night, and it’s now Saturday.”

“Well dear, our daughters were concerned about our carbon footprint,” the embattled Premier replied, “…so I felt it prudent to hire a crack-team of consultants to assess our method of transportation, the production costs of the confectionery and its packaging, any associated damage to wildlife, and whether Haagen-Dazs is really all that.”

“According to our inquiries and a State Commission’s, it is.”

After intense negotiations that lasted well over fifteen minutes, the state leader was allowed back into the family home, but only after promising not to charge a toll to access the refrigerator. He reluctantly agreed.

The CEO of Goldman Sachs, Lloyd C. Blankfein, was caught out lying on David Gregory’s Meet The Press yesterday, after being quizzed over his claims of being “short of money in the supermarket queue last week”.

Blankfein, answering Gregory’s questions about the financial crisis and its impact on the average worker, sympathized with their plight, citing his alleged story of the previous week. Gregory was unconvinced by Blankfein’s story and proceeded to query him further, and managed to elicit the true story from the Goldman Sachs boss; that it wasn’t him but his accountant; that it “wasn’t technically my income” but “a small government grant”; and finally, that it wasn’t a supermarket and groceries, but Gulfstream, and a new G650 jet.
“But the essence of the story is the same,” he added. “We’re all struggling.”

]]> http://www.realslownewsday.com/2009/03/01/bank-ceo-caught-out-in-shopping-queue/feed/ 1 http://www.realslownewsday.com/2009/02/11/in-brief-berlusconi-behaves-like-a-gentleman/ http://www.realslownewsday.com/2009/02/11/in-brief-berlusconi-behaves-like-a-gentleman/#comments Thu, 12 Feb 2009 06:25:30 +0000 The Editor http://www.realslownewsday.com/?p=73

Prime Minister of Italy, Silvio Berlusconi, was yesterday captured on camera “behaving appropriately” and exhibiting “gentlemanly behavior”, according to several eye-witnesses in the nation’s capital. The footage, taken with a mobile phone, clearly shows Berlusconi assisting his female companion – who was also bearing flowers and chocolates – into his limousine.

Said Mrs Berlusconi in a press statement issued today, “Well I’m glad he’s finally learning how to treat a lady, even if it wasn’t me.”

Several of the world’s most powerful leaders have today confessed to making persistent practical jokes at US President George W. Bush’s expense, Real Slow News Day reports.

Just four weeks before his retirement from the White House, politicians of all levels have even admitted taking bets on who could perform the most outrageous prank on the President without being discovered, and since Barack Obama’s successful election campaign, have sadly conceded that they must “start trying again”.

Iranian President, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, would regularly switch between Sunni and Shia Islam, a joke that, according to insiders, “would often leave Bush frowning and scratching his head in confusion.”

Saudi Arabia’s Crown Prince Abdullah managed to coerce the US President to hold his hand after threatening he would refuse all further oil exports if he didn’t comply.

Other foreign leaders to have taken advantage of Bush include Zimbabwean leader, Robert Mugabe, who once donned sunglasses and claimed to be the late Ray Charles, and Chinese President, Hu Jintao, who reportedly managed to convince the American leader that Hawaii was actually Chinese sovereign territory.

The jokes, however, weren’t only confined to international meetings, as a number of state and federal politicians have admitted. Among many reported stories, New Mexico governor, Bill Richardson, phoned Bush with the news that Mexicans had successfully invaded and overthrown his office and relocated their capital city there. White House staffers convinced Bush that at least one of the rooms in the building was made of white chocolate, and, after a viewing of The Matrix one evening, Karl Rove duped his boss into believing that his Chief-of-Staff was, in fact, the Oracle.

When asked for an explanation of their behaviour, husband of Carla Bruni and French President, Nicholas Sarkozy, considered to be the main instigator behind the pranks, was honest but unrepentent. “We may have acted immaturely, but it was too much fun! How often can we say we fooled the President of the United States into believing french fries grow exclusively in a small region of the Pyrenees? Thank you, America.”

President Bush, who left late last night for high-level talks with New Zealand’s leader, Aragorn, son of Arathorn, was unavailable for comment.