Sources close to the pair, whose relationship began in the summer of 1969 but ended suddenly in 1972, claim NASA still harbours intense feelings for The Moon, and wants desperately to rekindle the relationship.

“It might have seemed like NASA moved on,“ a confidante told Real Slow News Day. “But really, The Moon was never far from NASA’s mind. You never forget your first, do you?”

Despite heavily-publicised photographs showing NASA and close friend, Mars, in close contact, it is believed NASA has quietly pledged a long-term commitment to The Moon, and, amid celebrations of their would-be 40th anniversary, apologised for recording over the video of their first meeting.

Neither side was willing to fuel speculation by commenting, although supporters in both camps are highly sceptical of the possible reunion.

“NASA’s eyes had a tendency to wander, you know?” a friend of The Moon said. “I mean, yeah, they were together, but there were ulterior motives. Don’t tell me you haven’t seen the way NASA is always looking beyond The Moon, always seeking a new conquest.”

Meanwhile, an unnamed friend of NASA has secretly expressed some concern about The Moon’s intentions, citing recent showy behaviour, and the huge level of interest shown by other foreign suitors, all of whom are reportedly smitten with the heavenly body.

“We know it, The Moon knows it – Russia, China, India – they all want to get inside her atmosphere. And let’s face it, honey, that’s not exactly difficult is it?”

Meow!

Speaking from his personal satellite phone, Charles, a 55-year-old Sydney resident, said he and his fellow Queen Elizabeth II shipmates had experienced severe psychological trauma after their million dollar share portfolios were “cut in half” by ruthless market activity. Others had suffered from the drought, with the Australian sun claiming their farmland, prize-winning livestock, and in some cases, urban patio gardens.

“It’s been a nightmare, really, just awful,” Charles, a former investment fund manager, told Real Slow News Day. “I saw my beloved Macquarie stock took a beating, and I just couldn’t stand it. It broke my spirit.” The only option, according to the Sydneysider, was to “seek refuge in Africa, where I hope what’s left of our money still has value.”

Another weary traveller, Richard, of Melbourne’s beachside suburb, Brighton, shared his horror stories and the dread of living day-to-day. “My wife and I were afraid to even walk out the front door,” he said. “Melbourne’s weather is so unpredictable, we just couldn’t know whether it would be sunny or rainy or whatever – a day trip to the Yarra Valley became a game of Russian Roulette. We might find some relief in Zanzibar.”

Australian authorities have alerted African countries of the boat’s impending arrival, and the reaction so far has been positive.
“We welcome all westerners seeking refuge in our country,” Mauritian Prime Minister, Navin Ramgoolam, said today. “I understand the occupants have experienced many hardships and injustices in their country, and we are only too happy to provide them with shelter, food, and as much fine wine as they can handle.”

“My only hope,” Ramgoolam added, “is that Australians can return the favour.”

The CEO of Goldman Sachs, Lloyd C. Blankfein, was caught out lying on David Gregory’s Meet The Press yesterday, after being quizzed over his claims of being “short of money in the supermarket queue last week”.

Blankfein, answering Gregory’s questions about the financial crisis and its impact on the average worker, sympathized with their plight, citing his alleged story of the previous week. Gregory was unconvinced by Blankfein’s story and proceeded to query him further, and managed to elicit the true story from the Goldman Sachs boss; that it wasn’t him but his accountant; that it “wasn’t technically my income” but “a small government grant”; and finally, that it wasn’t a supermarket and groceries, but Gulfstream, and a new G650 jet.
“But the essence of the story is the same,” he added. “We’re all struggling.”

]]> http://www.realslownewsday.com/2009/03/01/bank-ceo-caught-out-in-shopping-queue/feed/ 1 http://www.realslownewsday.com/2009/02/11/in-brief-berlusconi-behaves-like-a-gentleman/ http://www.realslownewsday.com/2009/02/11/in-brief-berlusconi-behaves-like-a-gentleman/#comments Thu, 12 Feb 2009 06:25:30 +0000 The Editor http://www.realslownewsday.com/?p=73

Prime Minister of Italy, Silvio Berlusconi, was yesterday captured on camera “behaving appropriately” and exhibiting “gentlemanly behavior”, according to several eye-witnesses in the nation’s capital. The footage, taken with a mobile phone, clearly shows Berlusconi assisting his female companion – who was also bearing flowers and chocolates – into his limousine.

Said Mrs Berlusconi in a press statement issued today, “Well I’m glad he’s finally learning how to treat a lady, even if it wasn’t me.”

Several of the world’s most powerful leaders have today confessed to making persistent practical jokes at US President George W. Bush’s expense, Real Slow News Day reports.

Just four weeks before his retirement from the White House, politicians of all levels have even admitted taking bets on who could perform the most outrageous prank on the President without being discovered, and since Barack Obama’s successful election campaign, have sadly conceded that they must “start trying again”.

Iranian President, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, would regularly switch between Sunni and Shia Islam, a joke that, according to insiders, “would often leave Bush frowning and scratching his head in confusion.”

Saudi Arabia’s Crown Prince Abdullah managed to coerce the US President to hold his hand after threatening he would refuse all further oil exports if he didn’t comply.

Other foreign leaders to have taken advantage of Bush include Zimbabwean leader, Robert Mugabe, who once donned sunglasses and claimed to be the late Ray Charles, and Chinese President, Hu Jintao, who reportedly managed to convince the American leader that Hawaii was actually Chinese sovereign territory.

The jokes, however, weren’t only confined to international meetings, as a number of state and federal politicians have admitted. Among many reported stories, New Mexico governor, Bill Richardson, phoned Bush with the news that Mexicans had successfully invaded and overthrown his office and relocated their capital city there. White House staffers convinced Bush that at least one of the rooms in the building was made of white chocolate, and, after a viewing of The Matrix one evening, Karl Rove duped his boss into believing that his Chief-of-Staff was, in fact, the Oracle.

When asked for an explanation of their behaviour, husband of Carla Bruni and French President, Nicholas Sarkozy, considered to be the main instigator behind the pranks, was honest but unrepentent. “We may have acted immaturely, but it was too much fun! How often can we say we fooled the President of the United States into believing french fries grow exclusively in a small region of the Pyrenees? Thank you, America.”

President Bush, who left late last night for high-level talks with New Zealand’s leader, Aragorn, son of Arathorn, was unavailable for comment.

Media outlets have announced massive growth in newspaper sales, after Republican Vice Presidential candidate Sarah Palin declared she reads “all of them” in an interview with CBS’ Katie Couric four weeks ago.

Bucking a years-long decline that began with the explosion of online news sources, traditional print media is enjoying unparalleled success, and it’s not just the New York Times or the Washington Post in the limelight. Scores of locally produced content is selling in numbers rarely seen, from the Tampa Tribune in Florida, to the Chico Enterprise Record in California.

Jeffrey Davis, a media analyst with New York’s Greenfield Media Corp, says the new trend is hardly surprising, given Palin’s popularity. “What we’re seeing here is Americans showing genuine interest in world affairs, or at the very least, interest in what’s going on in the next suburb,” Davis says. “This is attributable to Palin, no doubt, and it’s great for our struggling media companies.”

Although Palin didn’t name any specific publication, Davis suggests this may have been to further enhance her image as a media-savvy politician and caring mother, not wanting to “show favour to any one of her newspapers.”

Newspaper reader, Jessica Twomey, of Homer, AK, says she can’t get enough of the news, and it’s all thanks to the inspirational Palin. “I can’t remember how I spent all my time before Sarah came along, but now I read newspapers. Without her, I would never have known Russia was so close to us, or that hunting, hockey, and guard dog-related injuries are 438% higher than this time last year. You learn a lot when you read as many papers as she does!”

Walt Boyd of Fayetteville, NC, also has a newfound enthusiasm for the printed word, despite admitting that he can’t actually read. “Left school at 14, so I never really got the chance to read, but I still know what’s goin’ on in the world by flippin’ through the pages,” Boyd says. “It’s like the weather – just stick your head out the window and it makes sense.”

Looking at a picture of candidate Barack Obama on front page of the Fay Observer, however,  Boyd shows confusion. “This black guy is just everywhere – must be another one of them rap stars, I guess.”

Despite the burgeoning sales, Davis believes the trend is only temporary.  “Unfortunately for our newspapers, Oprah has a ‘Book Club’ episode next week.”

In a rare and surprising public appearance, God spoke out yesterday to call Karl Rove’s bluff, in response to the political analyst’s assertion that Presidential nominee John McCain had gone “too far” in his criticism of Barack Obama.
Breaking a two-thousand-year silence, God, who chose to remain anonymous out of fear of violent neoconservative reprisals, declared from the clouds in a rapturous voice, “Bullshit, Rove. Nice try. You’re not getting in.”

Mr Rove, speaking to reporters outside his home, refused to respond to God’s comments, or be drawn into speculation that he is attempting to stage a transfer to Heaven when he dies.
“My contract with my present employer is everlasting, including throughout my damnation, and I’m happy with that. I’m not going anywhere.”

The Almighty wasn’t convinced, however. “He’s probably recognised the quality of his opposition, and the fact he’s not seeing as much action these days…he’s not stupid,” God said. “Just evil.”

God also took the opportunity to refuse entry to Zimbabwean leader, Robert Mugabe, stating, “He’s probably put something in Tsvangirai’s sadza, so that peace deal totally doesn’t count.”

George W. Bush has secretly passed new legislation giving him the unprecedented power to become an Academy Award winner, should Oliver Stone’s forthcoming biopic, W.,  win an Oscar.

The film, which tells the story of President Bush’s private life as well as his rise to the Oval Office, is currently nearing the end of production and will open in theatres in mid-October.

The President has called the new legislation “important for the American people and our international standing”, and “awesome”.

Bush signed the measure on Friday morning, after the bill made its way through both houses of Congress untouched. Democrats have criticised the timing, claiming their euphoric high from the Democratic Convention had rendered them completely incapacitated, and unable to read the proposed legislation.

“Our commander-in-chief is shameless,” Senate Majority Leader, Harry Reid, told Real Slow News Day. “He thinks he can do anything, and now, because of this Convention and Senator Obama’s knack for distracting us with all that hope and happiness, he got away with it too. Damn it.”

It is stipulated that for any or all of the awards granted to the film or its actors, President Bush will also earn one. The law is also retroactive, meaning that although the Academy Awards will be held in February, one month after he leaves the White House, an Oscar statue may still be presented to him.

“This is great legislatin’, just great. I’d like to thank God, and also thank all the good folks in D.C. for making this possible.” Bush declared gleefully in a press conference yesterday. He spoke casually and at length with the White House Press Corps. “You seen Josh Brolin in the new trailer? The man’s from California but he plays a good Texan, looks an’ talks just like me!”

Aside from playing the President, Brolin has also portrayed a crazed Texan doctor, a Texan thief, a cocaine-loving drug lord, and has been arrested in a drunken bar fight.

“The man’s got some swagger,” said the President. “I hope we win.”

Barely six weeks after giving birth to twins, Hollywood couple Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt have successfully adopted an orphaned old man, according to a press statement announced yesterday by their publicist, Cindy Guagenti.

Ms Jolie’s statement spoke warmly of her latest acquisition, 76-year-old ‘Donald’ (full name withheld), stating she had found him “aimlessly wandering” the streets of Washington D.C. and “couldn’t stand the thought of the poor man having to fight just to stay alive.”

Several sources claim to have seen Donald on D.C.’s streets after sunset, wrapped in old editions of the Weekly Standard, speaking a strange ‘English-like’ language to himself.

When asked about the physical and psychological condition Donald was found in, the publicist replied “very, very cold, and in complete denial about everything”, adding that “although he was somewhat unsure about his new guardians, Ms Jolie convinced him that sometimes you have to live with the family you’ve got, not the family you want”.

This is now the seventh member of the rapidly-growing Jolie-Pitt family, a clan that many experts believe will probably grow to around 10,000 by 2012, if their current rate is maintained.

Just a week after it was reported that nine-year-old Lin Miaoke had mimed her songs at the ceremony, comes the news that the $100 million event was nothing more than expensive theatrics.

“Just another example of the ruling party’s pride!” said one keen-eyed and anonymous Australian observer, pointing to his close-up photographs of the astronaut segment. “I mean, fancy trying the old fake-astronaut trick on the whole world in this day and age. That one’s been around for forty years.”

Further theatrical displays included the giant white dove of peace (not real), the flying torch bearer (suspended by wires), the entry of the Chinese Taipei team into the stadium (actors), and basketballer Yao Ming (two circus performers standing on shoulders).

Other watchers were much more critical, with some even hinting of human rights violations. “The disrespect shown for international guests is awful and unforgivable,” said an American tourist who wished to remain nameless. “What an abuse of our eyes and ears! I bet they don’t treat their own citizens like this.”

In a press conference late yesterday, Olympic Committee spokesman Sun Weide confirmed people’s suspicions, but added the committee’s motives were pure. “This was the last option. Honestly, do you know how hard it is, for example, to train a man to fly? We lost 658 brave patriots before we were forced to consider actors.”

When asked what “forced” the committee to resort to the alternative, Weide responded “…time.”