The ice cream budget blowout is just the latest in a series of financial disasters for Brumby Labor. Having somehow survived the waves of criticism following the Southern Cross station redevelopment, the Fast Rail project, and the myki-card debacle – all of which ran over budget and over time – the Premier again found himself in hot water, this time with his partner Rosemary.

Speaking from the front step of his Toorak home, Brumby admitted that the cost of the ice cream had run unexpectedly over budget, but added that he was not to blame.

“Buying ice-cream is not a rudimentary exercise, as some would have my family believe,” he argued. “My son and I were given a sizeable task, and, given the multitudes of variables involved – brand, flavor, size – I feel we have performed extremely well in the circumstances.”

Mrs Brumby, speaking loudly through the locked front door, replied “That doesn’t explain why you’re so late, John. That was dessert for Monday night, and it’s now Saturday.”

“Well dear, our daughters were concerned about our carbon footprint,” the embattled Premier replied, “…so I felt it prudent to hire a crack-team of consultants to assess our method of transportation, the production costs of the confectionery and its packaging, any associated damage to wildlife, and whether Haagen-Dazs is really all that.”

“According to our inquiries and a State Commission’s, it is.”

After intense negotiations that lasted well over fifteen minutes, the state leader was allowed back into the family home, but only after promising not to charge a toll to access the refrigerator. He reluctantly agreed.

Prime Minister of Italy, Silvio Berlusconi, was yesterday captured on camera “behaving appropriately” and exhibiting “gentlemanly behavior”, according to several eye-witnesses in the nation’s capital. The footage, taken with a mobile phone, clearly shows Berlusconi assisting his female companion – who was also bearing flowers and chocolates – into his limousine.

Said Mrs Berlusconi in a press statement issued today, “Well I’m glad he’s finally learning how to treat a lady, even if it wasn’t me.”

Several of the world’s most powerful leaders have today confessed to making persistent practical jokes at US President George W. Bush’s expense, Real Slow News Day reports.

Just four weeks before his retirement from the White House, politicians of all levels have even admitted taking bets on who could perform the most outrageous prank on the President without being discovered, and since Barack Obama’s successful election campaign, have sadly conceded that they must “start trying again”.

Iranian President, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, would regularly switch between Sunni and Shia Islam, a joke that, according to insiders, “would often leave Bush frowning and scratching his head in confusion.”

Saudi Arabia’s Crown Prince Abdullah managed to coerce the US President to hold his hand after threatening he would refuse all further oil exports if he didn’t comply.

Other foreign leaders to have taken advantage of Bush include Zimbabwean leader, Robert Mugabe, who once donned sunglasses and claimed to be the late Ray Charles, and Chinese President, Hu Jintao, who reportedly managed to convince the American leader that Hawaii was actually Chinese sovereign territory.

The jokes, however, weren’t only confined to international meetings, as a number of state and federal politicians have admitted. Among many reported stories, New Mexico governor, Bill Richardson, phoned Bush with the news that Mexicans had successfully invaded and overthrown his office and relocated their capital city there. White House staffers convinced Bush that at least one of the rooms in the building was made of white chocolate, and, after a viewing of The Matrix one evening, Karl Rove duped his boss into believing that his Chief-of-Staff was, in fact, the Oracle.

When asked for an explanation of their behaviour, husband of Carla Bruni and French President, Nicholas Sarkozy, considered to be the main instigator behind the pranks, was honest but unrepentent. “We may have acted immaturely, but it was too much fun! How often can we say we fooled the President of the United States into believing french fries grow exclusively in a small region of the Pyrenees? Thank you, America.”

President Bush, who left late last night for high-level talks with New Zealand’s leader, Aragorn, son of Arathorn, was unavailable for comment.

Media outlets have announced massive growth in newspaper sales, after Republican Vice Presidential candidate Sarah Palin declared she reads “all of them” in an interview with CBS’ Katie Couric four weeks ago.

Bucking a years-long decline that began with the explosion of online news sources, traditional print media is enjoying unparalleled success, and it’s not just the New York Times or the Washington Post in the limelight. Scores of locally produced content is selling in numbers rarely seen, from the Tampa Tribune in Florida, to the Chico Enterprise Record in California.

Jeffrey Davis, a media analyst with New York’s Greenfield Media Corp, says the new trend is hardly surprising, given Palin’s popularity. “What we’re seeing here is Americans showing genuine interest in world affairs, or at the very least, interest in what’s going on in the next suburb,” Davis says. “This is attributable to Palin, no doubt, and it’s great for our struggling media companies.”

Although Palin didn’t name any specific publication, Davis suggests this may have been to further enhance her image as a media-savvy politician and caring mother, not wanting to “show favour to any one of her newspapers.”

Newspaper reader, Jessica Twomey, of Homer, AK, says she can’t get enough of the news, and it’s all thanks to the inspirational Palin. “I can’t remember how I spent all my time before Sarah came along, but now I read newspapers. Without her, I would never have known Russia was so close to us, or that hunting, hockey, and guard dog-related injuries are 438% higher than this time last year. You learn a lot when you read as many papers as she does!”

Walt Boyd of Fayetteville, NC, also has a newfound enthusiasm for the printed word, despite admitting that he can’t actually read. “Left school at 14, so I never really got the chance to read, but I still know what’s goin’ on in the world by flippin’ through the pages,” Boyd says. “It’s like the weather – just stick your head out the window and it makes sense.”

Looking at a picture of candidate Barack Obama on front page of the Fay Observer, however,  Boyd shows confusion. “This black guy is just everywhere – must be another one of them rap stars, I guess.”

Despite the burgeoning sales, Davis believes the trend is only temporary.  “Unfortunately for our newspapers, Oprah has a ‘Book Club’ episode next week.”

In a rare and surprising public appearance, God spoke out yesterday to call Karl Rove’s bluff, in response to the political analyst’s assertion that Presidential nominee John McCain had gone “too far” in his criticism of Barack Obama.
Breaking a two-thousand-year silence, God, who chose to remain anonymous out of fear of violent neoconservative reprisals, declared from the clouds in a rapturous voice, “Bullshit, Rove. Nice try. You’re not getting in.”

Mr Rove, speaking to reporters outside his home, refused to respond to God’s comments, or be drawn into speculation that he is attempting to stage a transfer to Heaven when he dies.
“My contract with my present employer is everlasting, including throughout my damnation, and I’m happy with that. I’m not going anywhere.”

The Almighty wasn’t convinced, however. “He’s probably recognised the quality of his opposition, and the fact he’s not seeing as much action these days…he’s not stupid,” God said. “Just evil.”

God also took the opportunity to refuse entry to Zimbabwean leader, Robert Mugabe, stating, “He’s probably put something in Tsvangirai’s sadza, so that peace deal totally doesn’t count.”

George W. Bush has secretly passed new legislation giving him the unprecedented power to become an Academy Award winner, should Oliver Stone’s forthcoming biopic, W.,  win an Oscar.

The film, which tells the story of President Bush’s private life as well as his rise to the Oval Office, is currently nearing the end of production and will open in theatres in mid-October.

The President has called the new legislation “important for the American people and our international standing”, and “awesome”.

Bush signed the measure on Friday morning, after the bill made its way through both houses of Congress untouched. Democrats have criticised the timing, claiming their euphoric high from the Democratic Convention had rendered them completely incapacitated, and unable to read the proposed legislation.

“Our commander-in-chief is shameless,” Senate Majority Leader, Harry Reid, told Real Slow News Day. “He thinks he can do anything, and now, because of this Convention and Senator Obama’s knack for distracting us with all that hope and happiness, he got away with it too. Damn it.”

It is stipulated that for any or all of the awards granted to the film or its actors, President Bush will also earn one. The law is also retroactive, meaning that although the Academy Awards will be held in February, one month after he leaves the White House, an Oscar statue may still be presented to him.

“This is great legislatin’, just great. I’d like to thank God, and also thank all the good folks in D.C. for making this possible.” Bush declared gleefully in a press conference yesterday. He spoke casually and at length with the White House Press Corps. “You seen Josh Brolin in the new trailer? The man’s from California but he plays a good Texan, looks an’ talks just like me!”

Aside from playing the President, Brolin has also portrayed a crazed Texan doctor, a Texan thief, a cocaine-loving drug lord, and has been arrested in a drunken bar fight.

“The man’s got some swagger,” said the President. “I hope we win.”