Real Slow News Day » In brief

Congress ignores Ron Paul’s JFK murder confession

The Editor — Sun, 05 Apr 2009 09:15:50 +0000

Representative for Texas’ 14th District, Ron Paul, today confessed to killing President John F. Kennedy.
Switching from his usual explanations about how the fractional reserve financial system will effectively enslave the population for generations to come, Congressman Paul instead explained in vivid detail how he planned, organised and carried out the assassination of America’s 35th President. Members of Congress thanked him for speaking and carried on.

Ron Paul transforms into Hulk – no one notices.

The Editor — Mon, 30 Mar 2009 13:16:30 +0000

Congressman Ron Paul transformed into a Hulk-like creature at today’s Joint Economic Committee, and all members present failed to notice.
According to several online news sources – the only ones who did see it – Mr Paul became so angry at Washington’s fiscal irresponsibility and its utter disregard for the Constitution, he turned green and expanded to six times his normal size. It drew no reaction from the committee, although Chairwoman Carolyn Maloney, without looking up from her notebook, did politely ask the Congressman to be quiet.

Bank CEO Caught Out in ‘Shopping Queue’

The Editor — Sun, 01 Mar 2009 11:54:01 +0000

The CEO of Goldman Sachs, Lloyd C. Blankfein, was caught out lying on David Gregory’s Meet The Press yesterday, after being quizzed over his claims of being “short of money in the supermarket queue last week”.

Blankfein, answering Gregory’s questions about the financial crisis and its impact on the average worker, sympathized with their plight, citing his alleged story of the previous week. Gregory was unconvinced by Blankfein’s story and proceeded to query him further, and managed to elicit the true story from the Goldman Sachs boss; that it wasn’t him but his accountant; that it “wasn’t technically my income” but “a small government grant”; and finally, that it wasn’t a supermarket and groceries, but Gulfstream, and a new G650 jet.
“But the essence of the story is the same,” he added. “We’re all struggling.”

Berlusconi behaves like a gentleman

The Editor — Thu, 12 Feb 2009 06:25:30 +0000

Prime Minister of Italy, Silvio Berlusconi, was yesterday captured on camera “behaving appropriately” and exhibiting “gentlemanly behavior”, according to several eye-witnesses in the nation’s capital. The footage, taken with a mobile phone, clearly shows Berlusconi assisting his female companion – who was also bearing flowers and chocolates – into his limousine.

Said Mrs Berlusconi in a press statement issued today, “Well I’m glad he’s finally learning how to treat a lady, even if it wasn’t me.”