The incident occurred at the corner of Rodeo Drive and Dayton Way and the damage to buildings and vehicles is expected to cost around $10million to repair.

Despite the location and enormous scale of destruction, no one of any importance was injured. Shia LeBeouf, who was a passenger in the car, was unable to escape the burning wreckage and soon died, but this only drew thunderous applause. Bay later admitted to police that LeBeouf “was along for the ride”, though the police department didn’t know who he was talking about and declared there would be no investigation.

All witnesses at the scene were reportedly dazzled by the explosions, but were ultimately confused by what they saw.

“I saw his Porsche swerving all over the road – he clearly had no sense of direction,” one man said. “It crashed, flipped, and exploded, and he got out with a suitcase full of money. How does that even happen?”
Other people had more scathing reactions.

“What a shit driver,” one lady told Real Slow News Day. “My blind grandmother could’ve done better, and did he have to endanger John Turturro like that?”

Turturro, a popular actor of more than sixty films, had been innocently walking down Rodeo when Bay’s out-of-control vehicle knocked him off his feet. His body and reputation remain intact.

Despite vocal public outcry in all forms of consumable news media (and a resounding “two thumbs down” from the California Department of Motor Vehicles), Bay said in a press statement that he refuses to give up driving, and will be seen behind the wheel of a new vehicle next week.

Sources close to the pair, whose relationship began in the summer of 1969 but ended suddenly in 1972, claim NASA still harbours intense feelings for The Moon, and wants desperately to rekindle the relationship.

“It might have seemed like NASA moved on,“ a confidante told Real Slow News Day. “But really, The Moon was never far from NASA’s mind. You never forget your first, do you?”

Despite heavily-publicised photographs showing NASA and close friend, Mars, in close contact, it is believed NASA has quietly pledged a long-term commitment to The Moon, and, amid celebrations of their would-be 40th anniversary, apologised for recording over the video of their first meeting.

Neither side was willing to fuel speculation by commenting, although supporters in both camps are highly sceptical of the possible reunion.

“NASA’s eyes had a tendency to wander, you know?” a friend of The Moon said. “I mean, yeah, they were together, but there were ulterior motives. Don’t tell me you haven’t seen the way NASA is always looking beyond The Moon, always seeking a new conquest.”

Meanwhile, an unnamed friend of NASA has secretly expressed some concern about The Moon’s intentions, citing recent showy behaviour, and the huge level of interest shown by other foreign suitors, all of whom are reportedly smitten with the heavenly body.

“We know it, The Moon knows it – Russia, China, India – they all want to get inside her atmosphere. And let’s face it, honey, that’s not exactly difficult is it?”

Meow!

George W. Bush has secretly passed new legislation giving him the unprecedented power to become an Academy Award winner, should Oliver Stone’s forthcoming biopic, W.,  win an Oscar.

The film, which tells the story of President Bush’s private life as well as his rise to the Oval Office, is currently nearing the end of production and will open in theatres in mid-October.

The President has called the new legislation “important for the American people and our international standing”, and “awesome”.

Bush signed the measure on Friday morning, after the bill made its way through both houses of Congress untouched. Democrats have criticised the timing, claiming their euphoric high from the Democratic Convention had rendered them completely incapacitated, and unable to read the proposed legislation.

“Our commander-in-chief is shameless,” Senate Majority Leader, Harry Reid, told Real Slow News Day. “He thinks he can do anything, and now, because of this Convention and Senator Obama’s knack for distracting us with all that hope and happiness, he got away with it too. Damn it.”

It is stipulated that for any or all of the awards granted to the film or its actors, President Bush will also earn one. The law is also retroactive, meaning that although the Academy Awards will be held in February, one month after he leaves the White House, an Oscar statue may still be presented to him.

“This is great legislatin’, just great. I’d like to thank God, and also thank all the good folks in D.C. for making this possible.” Bush declared gleefully in a press conference yesterday. He spoke casually and at length with the White House Press Corps. “You seen Josh Brolin in the new trailer? The man’s from California but he plays a good Texan, looks an’ talks just like me!”

Aside from playing the President, Brolin has also portrayed a crazed Texan doctor, a Texan thief, a cocaine-loving drug lord, and has been arrested in a drunken bar fight.

“The man’s got some swagger,” said the President. “I hope we win.”

Barely six weeks after giving birth to twins, Hollywood couple Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt have successfully adopted an orphaned old man, according to a press statement announced yesterday by their publicist, Cindy Guagenti.

Ms Jolie’s statement spoke warmly of her latest acquisition, 76-year-old ‘Donald’ (full name withheld), stating she had found him “aimlessly wandering” the streets of Washington D.C. and “couldn’t stand the thought of the poor man having to fight just to stay alive.”

Several sources claim to have seen Donald on D.C.’s streets after sunset, wrapped in old editions of the Weekly Standard, speaking a strange ‘English-like’ language to himself.

When asked about the physical and psychological condition Donald was found in, the publicist replied “very, very cold, and in complete denial about everything”, adding that “although he was somewhat unsure about his new guardians, Ms Jolie convinced him that sometimes you have to live with the family you’ve got, not the family you want”.

This is now the seventh member of the rapidly-growing Jolie-Pitt family, a clan that many experts believe will probably grow to around 10,000 by 2012, if their current rate is maintained.