Three Japanese tourists claimed they were quietly “twittering” when the building was effectively torn apart by the 59m (195 ft) Steve Irwin, before Watson is said to have emerged on the upper deck, hurling paint and stink-bombs at everyone present.

It is now understood that he mistook the infamous ‘failwhale’, a character of social networking site, Twitter, for the real thing, and in a matter of seconds is believed to have caused hundreds of thousands of dollars in damage to the store, not including the millions of dollars in destroyed pavement leading from Station Pier.

Despite carving a path of destruction through much of inner-city Melbourne, miraculously, no one was seriously injured or killed.

Police officers on the scene were reportedly hesitant to make an arrest, largely owing to concerns for their own safety. “We’re not fucking immortal,” said one Sergeant who spoke anonymously. “If you wanna arrest this bastard, take my cuffs,” he whispered. “He’ll probably break through them – have you seen his forearms?”

After explaining to the burly sailor that the failwhale is merely a comical representation of a busy server, and is not hauled away by magical birds as is depicted on the website, and that the Japanese involved were merely tourists, Watson apologised.

“Sorry guys, my bad,” Watson said to all present, before somehow three-point-turning the boat around, and driving it back to the sea.

Speaking from his personal satellite phone, Charles, a 55-year-old Sydney resident, said he and his fellow Queen Elizabeth II shipmates had experienced severe psychological trauma after their million dollar share portfolios were “cut in half” by ruthless market activity. Others had suffered from the drought, with the Australian sun claiming their farmland, prize-winning livestock, and in some cases, urban patio gardens.

“It’s been a nightmare, really, just awful,” Charles, a former investment fund manager, told Real Slow News Day. “I saw my beloved Macquarie stock took a beating, and I just couldn’t stand it. It broke my spirit.” The only option, according to the Sydneysider, was to “seek refuge in Africa, where I hope what’s left of our money still has value.”

Another weary traveller, Richard, of Melbourne’s beachside suburb, Brighton, shared his horror stories and the dread of living day-to-day. “My wife and I were afraid to even walk out the front door,” he said. “Melbourne’s weather is so unpredictable, we just couldn’t know whether it would be sunny or rainy or whatever – a day trip to the Yarra Valley became a game of Russian Roulette. We might find some relief in Zanzibar.”

Australian authorities have alerted African countries of the boat’s impending arrival, and the reaction so far has been positive.
“We welcome all westerners seeking refuge in our country,” Mauritian Prime Minister, Navin Ramgoolam, said today. “I understand the occupants have experienced many hardships and injustices in their country, and we are only too happy to provide them with shelter, food, and as much fine wine as they can handle.”

“My only hope,” Ramgoolam added, “is that Australians can return the favour.”

The ice cream budget blowout is just the latest in a series of financial disasters for Brumby Labor. Having somehow survived the waves of criticism following the Southern Cross station redevelopment, the Fast Rail project, and the myki-card debacle – all of which ran over budget and over time – the Premier again found himself in hot water, this time with his partner Rosemary.

Speaking from the front step of his Toorak home, Brumby admitted that the cost of the ice cream had run unexpectedly over budget, but added that he was not to blame.

“Buying ice-cream is not a rudimentary exercise, as some would have my family believe,” he argued. “My son and I were given a sizeable task, and, given the multitudes of variables involved – brand, flavor, size – I feel we have performed extremely well in the circumstances.”

Mrs Brumby, speaking loudly through the locked front door, replied “That doesn’t explain why you’re so late, John. That was dessert for Monday night, and it’s now Saturday.”

“Well dear, our daughters were concerned about our carbon footprint,” the embattled Premier replied, “…so I felt it prudent to hire a crack-team of consultants to assess our method of transportation, the production costs of the confectionery and its packaging, any associated damage to wildlife, and whether Haagen-Dazs is really all that.”

“According to our inquiries and a State Commission’s, it is.”

After intense negotiations that lasted well over fifteen minutes, the state leader was allowed back into the family home, but only after promising not to charge a toll to access the refrigerator. He reluctantly agreed.

In what is becoming a common theme in recent times, Stynes voiced his disgust at the extensive coverage given to Collingwood and their players’ drunken misbehaviour, claiming his charges are just as unruly, but can barely earn a reaction.

“Every month we hear about a couple of Collingwood players having a few drinks and getting in their cars. Meanwhile, my players are off their tits to the point where they can’t even play at the weekend, and no-one reacts! What more must we do?”

This stinging rebuke comes just three months after other Victorian clubs voiced their wishes to play, as Collingwood and Essendon do, on ANZAC Day, the biggest home-and-away match on the calendar.
Collingwood president Eddie McGuire has again dismissed the idea as fantasy.

“If big Jim Stynes reckons his boys can get half the reaction we can, then he must be dreaming,” he said yesterday. “Aside from that Nathan Carroll, I don’t even think they know what a stubby is. Or a driveby.”

In reply, Stynes accepted that his players might lack the profile of his Collingwood counterparts, but claimed all clubs should be given the chance to show they can “fuck things up like Didak can”.

In other Collingwood news, Eddie McGuire lashed out at a reporter yesterday who was allegedly overheard joking that “Alan Didak will never change his spots”. McGuire pulled no punches, angrily remonstrating with the reporter, claiming, “Never will a Collingwood player change their spots! Other people will have to change theirs.”