Real Slow News Day

Local Melbourne thoroughfare, Elizabeth St, resembled a war zone yesterday as environmental activist and Sea Shepherd Conservation Society founder, Paul Watson, was seen ramming his sea-faring vessel into a small internet cafe in an attempt to ‘save the whales’.

Three Japanese tourists claimed they were quietly “twittering” when the building was effectively torn apart by the 59m (195 ft) Steve Irwin, before Watson is said to have emerged on the upper deck, hurling paint and stink-bombs at everyone present.

It is now understood that he mistook the infamous ‘failwhale’, a character of social networking site, Twitter, for the real thing, and in a matter of seconds is believed to have caused hundreds of thousands of dollars in damage to the store, not including the millions of dollars in destroyed pavement leading from Station Pier.

Despite carving a path of destruction through much of inner-city Melbourne, miraculously, no one was seriously injured or killed.

Police officers on the scene were reportedly hesitant to make an arrest, largely owing to concerns for their own safety. “We’re not fucking immortal,” said one Sergeant who spoke anonymously. “If you wanna arrest this bastard, take my cuffs,” he whispered. “He’ll probably break through them – have you seen his forearms?”

After explaining to the burly sailor that the failwhale is merely a comical representation of a busy server, and is not hauled away by magical birds as is depicted on the website, and that the Japanese involved were merely tourists, Watson apologised.

“Sorry guys, my bad,” Watson said to all present, before somehow three-point-turning the boat around, and driving it back to the sea.